I'm still a good bit numb from it all, so it's hard to know for sure the real ramifications, but there is something to it - even if only on the surface (who knows how deep it goes? part of this process for me I guess) that I want to pursue.
Open. I started posting some things about the events of Dad's passing pretty much as they were happening as a way to kind of clear my head (and soul?) a bit as things were unveiling. I tend to not just linger in moments, but to, honestly, dwell in them for long periods of time (I do not necessarily consider this always a good thing, but who am I to judge...) and for whatever reason, it felt right to "share."
I guess it could really seem like a kind of personal reality TV sort of thing to some, but the truth is that I find myself not doing it to fulfill any kind of exhibitionist/self-engrandizing goal. Rather it has taken on a kind of cleansing role for me.
Fear. I look back and find that I spend so much time hiding in one form or another. Nothing really significant to an onlooker, but yet, within myself, when I'm honest, I see that I am doing just that. Manipulating things ever so slightly to avoid confronting whatever might be blocking me in some way. Mostly, it turns out, as I block myself. I see it now as a severe drain of not just my time but also my energy.
So I'm looking to change that in some way. Again, no idea if it will go on for any length of time, or if it will at all be noticeable, but yet I feel a need to make a change.
Sometime I really wish I was that kind of quiet, reflective person, who takes everything in and quietly absorbs it all, to then at a later point deliver some sort of peacefully, enlightened observation; but alas that it not me. Certainly not very often. And I am quite sure that pretending otherwise is just another form of the fear I already alluded to.
So instead I am looking to go the other direction. Instead of forcing myself into a mold I am clearly not meant to fit in, I will try to be as open as I can. Sharing of myself in such a way that is not so self-serving or attention seeking as it is to, as I said, cleanse myself.
The question I realize that matters is,"What's more important: that I say it, or that it is heard?" It seems to me, in light of recent events, that the former is all that matters and the latter is, at best, all but irrelevant.
As with all things, I also wonder how this will impact my creative process. I know that to be continually evolving, but I also see that even there, as much as I have been moving that forward I still guard it. I'm actually not sure why. I just know that I do.
This is all a bit scary in some ways for me, even though I doubt I am articulating why very well here. On the other hand, it also feels very cathartic and "right" the more I explore it so I feel I must be on the right path, even if it is still uncertain.
Use the time I have better. Appreciate those around me, and particularly those closest to me, more. Focus energy on that which is positive and move away from what is not. Be open.
Those last bits, I now realize, are the key. Here's a very small first step for me:
"Jean" (song #82)
An afternoon on Bradley Beach
You're on a blanket out a reach
And I can't believe you might think
You need me in your life
And later on on the boardwalk
I catch a glance as you walk by
And in that moment I'm alive
I need you in my life
Oh, Oh
Jean
And through the years I'm looking back
Houses, kids, and all the crap
That we went through - as a matter of fact
You and I did ok
'Cuz you and I we're (were?) two of a kind
And I miss you now but I'm doing fine
It's the little things - they remind
Me of how we were meant to be
Oh, Oh
Jean
Are you looking down on me?
Can you see me?
Can you feel me?
Aw, Jean
Now I'm back in your embrace
(And) while memories cannot replace
The things we missed (we'll miss?)
Without a trace
Together well be ok
Four going on but not alone
Places change but still there's home
Don't you cry
We're shining down
Shining down on you
Jean
© 2009, 2013 by Richard Maxwell
any unauthorized use, duplication, distribution, or broadcast is a violation of applicable laws
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