This is another of the "Maxwellisms" that are part of the CMAS experience, though once again I cannot really take credit for it. This one is from David Maslanka, a musician I have long admired and was able to work with just a tiny bit a number of years ago. (see earlier posts...)
Recently I was able to reconnect a bit with him and within a conversation regarding how technology applies to music, he told me how he always does his best not to force his students, but rather to"listen as deeply as I can" to help them move their creative process forward.
I am, of course, paraphrasing his words, but the key here is that his words really stuck with me. David Maslanka is one of those people who you can tell right away has such a great perspective on so many things. I used to find that intimidating, and something that I felt I had to somehow prove I had as well. That never works out by the way, but that was my mindset. In any case...
"Listen deeper" in a lot of ways relates to "nothing forced endures" which I talked about recently as well. In my case, "Listen deeper" currently is about not getting too caught up in the educational world of music and focusing more on the pure creative element.
If a student presents me with something they have created and it does not work for me, one approach is to essentially say, "you need more training, more advanced skills, more practice, etc." And that may well be true but it misses the bigger creative point, which is, "what is the student trying to say with their creative efforts?"
Maybe they do need more training and skills, and practice; but maybe not. Maybe they just need to reframe the sound to better fit their end goal. So focus on articulating the end goal. The process of getting there. Not forcing a particular path to a particular end, that is not derived from the student's pure intent. Easier said than done, I'm afraid, which is why I don't see it as often as I'd like, even within myself; but that does not in any way diminish its truth or importance.
In my quest to establish CMAS as a legitimate music education tract, I find that I on occasion (more frequently than I might like to admit) I am essentially way too judgmental. This is not intentional, and it is something that I honestly am ashamed to have to admit to, but none the less, there it is.
Self-depricating comments aside, the even more important point is this notion of "it doesn't work for me." That really says far more about me than the quality of the work. Who am I to judge? Seriously. The arrogance of the very assumption is enough to make me ill. And don't fall into the trap of thinking that the very role of a teacher is to do just that: evaluate and assign value. It is not. Certainly not for me.
My job is not to teach creativity. That is not possible. My job is to foster creativity. There is a huge difference and it's an important one, and even if I could teach it, I wouldn't. Then it would only be my creativity, not my students, and that is not doing justice to them or the creative process in general. Besides, the absurdity of me being an expert in all the styles my students work with every day...you must be kidding. I go with my gut, sure. I am honest - some might say to a fault; but you can keep your "expert" label. I am just hoping I can be musical for them.
And so for me I have no option but to listen deeper. Actually, it is a choice. One I am truly happy to have made.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Nothing Forced Endures: Another Thought For CMAS
Continuing on with my notion of explaining a bit about each of the "Maxwellism" signs on the walls of the main room in CMAS. To be truthful, most, if not all, are not mine, but rather ideas from others that, over time, I have found to have particular, let's call it...resonance (pun intended) for not just the work done in CMAS, but for my overall sense of music just generally. At any rate, all that said, I think it's good to share these with CMAS. Not to preach to or "convert" anyone - though I am sure it can come across that way to some - but rather to try, at least in some small way, to open up the creative process just a bit more. Maybe it helps some in CMAS, maybe not; but they have all helped me, so I feel a certain obligation to at least share. Anyway...
"Nothing forced endures." This one has meant a lot to me since I first heard it at the University of Arizona more than 15 years ago. The credit goes to a brilliant poet, Richard Beale.
I was lucky enough to be very tacitly involved with the premier of David Maslanka's "Mass" a the time. Truth is that I had no real appreciation for the project. Not the religious elements, but just the real...music, of it all. Gregg Hanson the conductor, Maslanka the composer, Beale the lyricist, all of them and all those involved - I just did not quite see it. Perhaps that is why "Nothing forced endures" has stuck with me. Even now it still breaks through pretty much all else, no matter what my state of mind (musical or otherwise) in might be in.
So. What does it mean? Well, I suppose you'd have to talk to Richard Beale to be certain (unless he's similar to Freddy Mercury, and similar artists, who prefer to refrain from any specific details about their art in order to allow the audience the opportunity to develop their own, hopefully more meaningful connection than one forced on them, even if by the artist themselves. I fully agree with this approach by the way, as much as I do my best to follow it...but I digress....) but to me it has always meant that truly lasting art, in any form, needs to be organic. Natural.
Actually, I find it amusing that I still have a hard time even after all these years finding a way to fully articulate this one. Probably means that I don't have it down myself, but that's part of the journey too, no? I always find it funny how people (audiences perhaps more so for that matter) generally think that just because you are lucky enough to be considered by some an "expert" or to have had some success as an artist, that you don't still learn (I like the work explore better, but...) more about your art. It's like it gets forgotten. "We don't wanna hear the new stuff. Just play the 'classics." It's all symptomatic, but again, big surprise, I digress...
Ok. So let me try to give an example of how I view "nothing forced endures." I spend a good deal of time working with students on how to explore their creative process. How to open themselves up to the honesty of their own art. A lofty goal to be sure, and one I am not at certain I am qualified to attempt, but none the less let's assume for a moment that I require, as just one example, them to write in a particular style.
Now, sure, there is a tremendous value in learning the details of particular style in order to better understand it and how it works and how to better reach an audience through that style and so on. But what if that style does not appeal to the student? What if that student is simply not open to the possibilities the style offers. What if the student just cannot see the opportunity in front of them. S much so that they get so caught up in the style not working form them that it shuts them down pretty much entirely creatively. Seems extreme, but think about it. It happens all the time. Not just in art, but life in general.
So now that student is lost. Maybe we get them back maybe we don't, but in the meantime, time has been lost. Lost for them. Lost for their creative process to move forward. Sure we can make everyone do the same thing, and after a while it'll be the norm, and everyone will be ok with it, but in the long run, overall, it lacks truth. It lacks real artistic integrity. In the end, and it may be years, or decades, or lifetimes, I believe that art of that nature (not really sure it should be called art - another digression, for another time...) does not last.
Let me be clear. This is not able the style. Not at all. The creative process is not simple. And for some it is even scary. Coming round to it by any means other than self determined is just not going to be true. At best its artificial, worse its really just a surrogate for someone else's process. Think about that. What a truly horrible disservice. To make someone else create in a manner that is not their own.
Yes, show then the way. Yes, open them up to all the possibilities. But at some point you have to let them be their true selves. One way or another it has to happen. But if it does, well, wow! Imagine the art. Just imagine.
Nothing forced endures. Not in music. Not in life. And, apparently, not even in blogs.
"Nothing forced endures." This one has meant a lot to me since I first heard it at the University of Arizona more than 15 years ago. The credit goes to a brilliant poet, Richard Beale.
I was lucky enough to be very tacitly involved with the premier of David Maslanka's "Mass" a the time. Truth is that I had no real appreciation for the project. Not the religious elements, but just the real...music, of it all. Gregg Hanson the conductor, Maslanka the composer, Beale the lyricist, all of them and all those involved - I just did not quite see it. Perhaps that is why "Nothing forced endures" has stuck with me. Even now it still breaks through pretty much all else, no matter what my state of mind (musical or otherwise) in might be in.
So. What does it mean? Well, I suppose you'd have to talk to Richard Beale to be certain (unless he's similar to Freddy Mercury, and similar artists, who prefer to refrain from any specific details about their art in order to allow the audience the opportunity to develop their own, hopefully more meaningful connection than one forced on them, even if by the artist themselves. I fully agree with this approach by the way, as much as I do my best to follow it...but I digress....) but to me it has always meant that truly lasting art, in any form, needs to be organic. Natural.
Actually, I find it amusing that I still have a hard time even after all these years finding a way to fully articulate this one. Probably means that I don't have it down myself, but that's part of the journey too, no? I always find it funny how people (audiences perhaps more so for that matter) generally think that just because you are lucky enough to be considered by some an "expert" or to have had some success as an artist, that you don't still learn (I like the work explore better, but...) more about your art. It's like it gets forgotten. "We don't wanna hear the new stuff. Just play the 'classics." It's all symptomatic, but again, big surprise, I digress...
Ok. So let me try to give an example of how I view "nothing forced endures." I spend a good deal of time working with students on how to explore their creative process. How to open themselves up to the honesty of their own art. A lofty goal to be sure, and one I am not at certain I am qualified to attempt, but none the less let's assume for a moment that I require, as just one example, them to write in a particular style.
Now, sure, there is a tremendous value in learning the details of particular style in order to better understand it and how it works and how to better reach an audience through that style and so on. But what if that style does not appeal to the student? What if that student is simply not open to the possibilities the style offers. What if the student just cannot see the opportunity in front of them. S much so that they get so caught up in the style not working form them that it shuts them down pretty much entirely creatively. Seems extreme, but think about it. It happens all the time. Not just in art, but life in general.
So now that student is lost. Maybe we get them back maybe we don't, but in the meantime, time has been lost. Lost for them. Lost for their creative process to move forward. Sure we can make everyone do the same thing, and after a while it'll be the norm, and everyone will be ok with it, but in the long run, overall, it lacks truth. It lacks real artistic integrity. In the end, and it may be years, or decades, or lifetimes, I believe that art of that nature (not really sure it should be called art - another digression, for another time...) does not last.
Let me be clear. This is not able the style. Not at all. The creative process is not simple. And for some it is even scary. Coming round to it by any means other than self determined is just not going to be true. At best its artificial, worse its really just a surrogate for someone else's process. Think about that. What a truly horrible disservice. To make someone else create in a manner that is not their own.
Yes, show then the way. Yes, open them up to all the possibilities. But at some point you have to let them be their true selves. One way or another it has to happen. But if it does, well, wow! Imagine the art. Just imagine.
Nothing forced endures. Not in music. Not in life. And, apparently, not even in blogs.
"Silhouetted Memories" (Song #86)
"Silhouetted Memories" (Song #86)
Keep me honest
Rapid decent
System failure
I repent
Nothing tastes the same
(Since I) bit off more than I could chew
Turn a blind eye
Cannot see
Still I try
Nothing takes the pain
Away from all that is you
Silhouetted memories
Watching a violent night sky
You know my core
You know (are?) my life
Losing my way
Looking back
Hard to say
Everything's gone dark
Since you've been slipping away
Knots won't untie
Binding now
The truth to lies
Everything's so blurred
Since the night took the day
Silhouetted memories
Watching a violent night sky
You know my core
You know (are?) my life
Keep me honest
Keep me bold
Keep me in your fold
Silhouetted memories
Watching a violent night sky
You know my core
You know (are?) my life
© 2013 by Richard Maxwell
© 2013 by Richard Maxwell
any unauthorized use, duplication, distribution, or broadcast is a violation of applicable laws
Sunday, July 21, 2013
The Writing's On The Wall. A New Year For CMAS
As the countdown inevitably starts for the upcoming school year, and I turn my attention in a more focused manner towards CMAS, I have been considering how to continue not just the evolution of the program into an even more effective recording and production label, but also my role in that evolution.
One of the things that I am doing for next year is to try to play the role of producer more than just teacher. It's fairly easy to say that, but the educational system sometimes makes that tougher than I would prefer. More on that another time...
Another change that I want to initiate is to try to reenforce more directly several of the key tenants or philosophies that have guiding me as I created, advance (I hope) and facilitate the program just generally.
This is a bit tricky in some ways as I don't want to overstep my role, but at the same time I would like to also give the CMAS students more opportunities to be open to greater creative possibilities. So, for now, while not then end-all-be-all solution, I have decided to post a number of key, let's call them "Maxwellisms" in the room to help reenforce the concepts.
I also thought I might comment here on them as well. I have no idea of any of my students read this blog, but figure it's worth getting the information out, even only for my own sense of what it means. Anyway....
"Arrogance is the enemy." This has actually been posted in the main CMAS room for some years. In fact as you walk in it is positioned on the wall in such a way that despite all the other posters and things up it should be one of the first, if not the first, things a person sees when entering.
This one can be tough. While helping to give students guidance on their own creative process it is very necessary to let their egos take hold a bit. Ego matters. It's important to the process. Otherwise no one would ever get on stage, or present a recording, or even explore an idea they came up with.
But arrogance is something different. Something musically dangerous. It blinds one to advancing musical ideas. It can cheapen the impact of those ideas. And, perhaps, worse of all, it limits the opportunities to explore even greater musical possibilities with others, be they through collaboration or just in reaching an audience.
For a student in CMAS, it might be their unwillingness to follow the creative process honestly - taking short cuts rather than doing the heavy lifting. Or it might mean refusing to really be part of the behind the scenes work for their own show - making the excuse that someone else can do it (even if better than they) when the truth is they really just don't want to take the responsibility. There are countless others examples, but you get the idea.
The point is that while we all need ego to do our jobs, when it turns to arrogance things never work out. If you are difficult to work with on any level - even if you are well intentioned - there will come a point where no matter how talented you are, people will stop coming to you.
Arrogance is not just the enemy of those around you. It's the enemy of yourself. It's the enemy of all things creative.
One of the things that I am doing for next year is to try to play the role of producer more than just teacher. It's fairly easy to say that, but the educational system sometimes makes that tougher than I would prefer. More on that another time...
Another change that I want to initiate is to try to reenforce more directly several of the key tenants or philosophies that have guiding me as I created, advance (I hope) and facilitate the program just generally.
This is a bit tricky in some ways as I don't want to overstep my role, but at the same time I would like to also give the CMAS students more opportunities to be open to greater creative possibilities. So, for now, while not then end-all-be-all solution, I have decided to post a number of key, let's call them "Maxwellisms" in the room to help reenforce the concepts.
I also thought I might comment here on them as well. I have no idea of any of my students read this blog, but figure it's worth getting the information out, even only for my own sense of what it means. Anyway....
"Arrogance is the enemy." This has actually been posted in the main CMAS room for some years. In fact as you walk in it is positioned on the wall in such a way that despite all the other posters and things up it should be one of the first, if not the first, things a person sees when entering.
This one can be tough. While helping to give students guidance on their own creative process it is very necessary to let their egos take hold a bit. Ego matters. It's important to the process. Otherwise no one would ever get on stage, or present a recording, or even explore an idea they came up with.
But arrogance is something different. Something musically dangerous. It blinds one to advancing musical ideas. It can cheapen the impact of those ideas. And, perhaps, worse of all, it limits the opportunities to explore even greater musical possibilities with others, be they through collaboration or just in reaching an audience.
For a student in CMAS, it might be their unwillingness to follow the creative process honestly - taking short cuts rather than doing the heavy lifting. Or it might mean refusing to really be part of the behind the scenes work for their own show - making the excuse that someone else can do it (even if better than they) when the truth is they really just don't want to take the responsibility. There are countless others examples, but you get the idea.
The point is that while we all need ego to do our jobs, when it turns to arrogance things never work out. If you are difficult to work with on any level - even if you are well intentioned - there will come a point where no matter how talented you are, people will stop coming to you.
Arrogance is not just the enemy of those around you. It's the enemy of yourself. It's the enemy of all things creative.
Friday, July 19, 2013
After All (Song #85)
After All (Song #85)
And after all is said and done
© 2013 by Richard Maxwell
And after all is said and done
You're still here
I know sometimes I make it hard to break through these (down my?) walls
Sometimes I keep it all too close
I know sometimes its not easy to love a man like me
Sometimes I'm (more) like a ghost
And after all is said and done
You're still here
I know sometimes I still take you for granted
Sometimes I just lose track
I know sometimes I get so lost in(side) myself
Sometimes I need you to pull me back
And after all is said and done
You're still here
If there is only one thing in this life that I know is true
It's that the one thing that I hold most sacred and dear is you
I know sometimes I seem to forget everything you are
Sometimes I lose my mind
I know sometimes I fill you with regret
But I'm always grateful you're mine
And after all is said and done
You're still here
© 2013 by Richard Maxwell
any unauthorized use, duplication, distribution, or broadcast is a violation of applicable laws
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Drive (song# 84)
Drive (song #84)
The fading lights in your eyes
Driving (drive?) you to another dawn
The same road stretched (stretches?) (out) in front of me
Even (now) that (when?) you're gone
So many miles behind
And so many to go
So I drive
I drive
I drive
The shadows dance much slower now
As the wheels keep turning round
A thousand roads-a thousand dreams
A thousand unheard sounds
So many miles behind
And so many to go
So I drive
I drive
I drive
These memories
Weigh me down
Lift me up
Turn me around
The road goes on following your star
When I'm lost- alone
Thinking back
Off the rails
Then back on track
I just look around and there you are
(And I can) drive (on)
Shifting into overdrive
A final push ahead
Burning all the extra miles
Pushing to the red
So many miles behind
And so many to go
So I drive
I drive
I drive
These memories
Weigh me down
Lift me up
Turn me around
The road goes on following your star
When I'm lost- alone
Thinking back
Off the rails
Then back on track
I just look around and there you are
(And I can) drive (on)
These gears still change just like they did before
These wheels still turn round and round
These roads all look so familiar in their own way
Sometimes I swear you're still around
Horizon stretches out in front
A never ending line
The driver's changed but not the coarse
Connecting yours to mine
So many miles behind
And so many to go
So I drive
I drive
I drive
These memories
Weigh me down
Lift me up
Turn me around
The road goes on following your star
When I'm lost- alone
Thinking back
Off the rails
Then back on track
I just look around and there you are
(And I can) drive (on)
© 2013 by Richard Maxwell
any unauthorized use, duplication, distribution, or broadcast is a violation of applicable laws
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Darling
"Darling" (song #83)
"Oh, my darling" you sang
And though I'll never hear that (your?) voice again
It still soothes me
It still comforts me
And I know life is change
And Yet it feels so strange
Here without you
Here missing you
But (and?) I can't say for sure what's on the other side
Oh, my darling I can't hide
I cannot hide
And I can't say for sure what's beyond this life
Oh, my darling I can lie
I cannot lie
I miss you
There is no stronger tie
Between you and I
Years cannot replace
Years will not erase
But when the end was near
And you had so much fear
I held your hand
I don't understand
But (and?) I can't say for sure what's on the other side
Oh, my darling I can't hide
I cannot hide
And I can't say for sure what's beyond this life
Oh, my darling I can lie
I cannot lie
I miss you
I looked into your eyes
While you slipped away
I'll spend all my life
Remembering that day
You let it all go
While I've been holding on
I'm still so numb
How can you be gone?
There is no wound more raw
But I am still in awe
Of your kindness
What a fine mess
I'll try to come to grips
With the truth of this
But still I need you
Still I need you
But (and?) I can't say for sure what's on the other side
Oh, my darling I can't hide
I cannot hide
And I can't say for sure what's beyond this life
Oh, my darling I can lie
I cannot lie
I miss you
© 2013 by Richard Maxwell
any unauthorized use, duplication, distribution, or broadcast is a violation of applicable laws
Friday, July 5, 2013
Open
A shift in perspective. I have no idea how many of the "revelations" I have experienced since Dad passed I will maintain, much less if any of them will be noticeable to anyone else, but I do know that I have a sense to experience my life and how I create differently now.
I'm still a good bit numb from it all, so it's hard to know for sure the real ramifications, but there is something to it - even if only on the surface (who knows how deep it goes? part of this process for me I guess) that I want to pursue.
Open. I started posting some things about the events of Dad's passing pretty much as they were happening as a way to kind of clear my head (and soul?) a bit as things were unveiling. I tend to not just linger in moments, but to, honestly, dwell in them for long periods of time (I do not necessarily consider this always a good thing, but who am I to judge...) and for whatever reason, it felt right to "share."
I guess it could really seem like a kind of personal reality TV sort of thing to some, but the truth is that I find myself not doing it to fulfill any kind of exhibitionist/self-engrandizing goal. Rather it has taken on a kind of cleansing role for me.
Fear. I look back and find that I spend so much time hiding in one form or another. Nothing really significant to an onlooker, but yet, within myself, when I'm honest, I see that I am doing just that. Manipulating things ever so slightly to avoid confronting whatever might be blocking me in some way. Mostly, it turns out, as I block myself. I see it now as a severe drain of not just my time but also my energy.
So I'm looking to change that in some way. Again, no idea if it will go on for any length of time, or if it will at all be noticeable, but yet I feel a need to make a change.
Sometime I really wish I was that kind of quiet, reflective person, who takes everything in and quietly absorbs it all, to then at a later point deliver some sort of peacefully, enlightened observation; but alas that it not me. Certainly not very often. And I am quite sure that pretending otherwise is just another form of the fear I already alluded to.
So instead I am looking to go the other direction. Instead of forcing myself into a mold I am clearly not meant to fit in, I will try to be as open as I can. Sharing of myself in such a way that is not so self-serving or attention seeking as it is to, as I said, cleanse myself.
The question I realize that matters is,"What's more important: that I say it, or that it is heard?" It seems to me, in light of recent events, that the former is all that matters and the latter is, at best, all but irrelevant.
As with all things, I also wonder how this will impact my creative process. I know that to be continually evolving, but I also see that even there, as much as I have been moving that forward I still guard it. I'm actually not sure why. I just know that I do.
This is all a bit scary in some ways for me, even though I doubt I am articulating why very well here. On the other hand, it also feels very cathartic and "right" the more I explore it so I feel I must be on the right path, even if it is still uncertain.
Use the time I have better. Appreciate those around me, and particularly those closest to me, more. Focus energy on that which is positive and move away from what is not. Be open.
Those last bits, I now realize, are the key. Here's a very small first step for me:
"Jean" (song #82)
An afternoon on Bradley Beach
You're on a blanket out a reach
And I can't believe you might think
You need me in your life
And later on on the boardwalk
I catch a glance as you walk by
And in that moment I'm alive
I need you in my life
Oh, Oh
Jean
And through the years I'm looking back
Houses, kids, and all the crap
That we went through - as a matter of fact
You and I did ok
'Cuz you and I we're (were?) two of a kind
And I miss you now but I'm doing fine
It's the little things - they remind
Me of how we were meant to be
Oh, Oh
Jean
Are you looking down on me?
Can you see me?
Can you feel me?
Aw, Jean
© 2009, 2013 by Richard Maxwell
any unauthorized use, duplication, distribution, or broadcast is a violation of applicable laws
I'm still a good bit numb from it all, so it's hard to know for sure the real ramifications, but there is something to it - even if only on the surface (who knows how deep it goes? part of this process for me I guess) that I want to pursue.
Open. I started posting some things about the events of Dad's passing pretty much as they were happening as a way to kind of clear my head (and soul?) a bit as things were unveiling. I tend to not just linger in moments, but to, honestly, dwell in them for long periods of time (I do not necessarily consider this always a good thing, but who am I to judge...) and for whatever reason, it felt right to "share."
I guess it could really seem like a kind of personal reality TV sort of thing to some, but the truth is that I find myself not doing it to fulfill any kind of exhibitionist/self-engrandizing goal. Rather it has taken on a kind of cleansing role for me.
Fear. I look back and find that I spend so much time hiding in one form or another. Nothing really significant to an onlooker, but yet, within myself, when I'm honest, I see that I am doing just that. Manipulating things ever so slightly to avoid confronting whatever might be blocking me in some way. Mostly, it turns out, as I block myself. I see it now as a severe drain of not just my time but also my energy.
So I'm looking to change that in some way. Again, no idea if it will go on for any length of time, or if it will at all be noticeable, but yet I feel a need to make a change.
Sometime I really wish I was that kind of quiet, reflective person, who takes everything in and quietly absorbs it all, to then at a later point deliver some sort of peacefully, enlightened observation; but alas that it not me. Certainly not very often. And I am quite sure that pretending otherwise is just another form of the fear I already alluded to.
So instead I am looking to go the other direction. Instead of forcing myself into a mold I am clearly not meant to fit in, I will try to be as open as I can. Sharing of myself in such a way that is not so self-serving or attention seeking as it is to, as I said, cleanse myself.
The question I realize that matters is,"What's more important: that I say it, or that it is heard?" It seems to me, in light of recent events, that the former is all that matters and the latter is, at best, all but irrelevant.
As with all things, I also wonder how this will impact my creative process. I know that to be continually evolving, but I also see that even there, as much as I have been moving that forward I still guard it. I'm actually not sure why. I just know that I do.
This is all a bit scary in some ways for me, even though I doubt I am articulating why very well here. On the other hand, it also feels very cathartic and "right" the more I explore it so I feel I must be on the right path, even if it is still uncertain.
Use the time I have better. Appreciate those around me, and particularly those closest to me, more. Focus energy on that which is positive and move away from what is not. Be open.
Those last bits, I now realize, are the key. Here's a very small first step for me:
"Jean" (song #82)
An afternoon on Bradley Beach
You're on a blanket out a reach
And I can't believe you might think
You need me in your life
And later on on the boardwalk
I catch a glance as you walk by
And in that moment I'm alive
I need you in my life
Oh, Oh
Jean
And through the years I'm looking back
Houses, kids, and all the crap
That we went through - as a matter of fact
You and I did ok
'Cuz you and I we're (were?) two of a kind
And I miss you now but I'm doing fine
It's the little things - they remind
Me of how we were meant to be
Oh, Oh
Jean
Are you looking down on me?
Can you see me?
Can you feel me?
Aw, Jean
Now I'm back in your embrace
(And) while memories cannot replace
The things we missed (we'll miss?)
Without a trace
Together well be ok
Four going on but not alone
Places change but still there's home
Don't you cry
We're shining down
Shining down on you
Jean
© 2009, 2013 by Richard Maxwell
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Thursday, July 4, 2013
My Early Musical Mind: A 4th Of July Memory
Watching fireworks tonight with Tanner (Gray was too pooped so went back to my brother Dan's house early) I was suddenly struck by a strong memory of my childhood. I cannot recall at exactly what age I was when it happened, but for a number of year my dad used to light up a pretty serious fireworks display in the backyard of our house in Blue Ash, Ohio. The details escape me, but I do vividly remember the spectacle of it all.
One 4th when I was around Tanner or Gray's age, my Dad was putting on his fireworks show for the neighborhood when the police showed up. My brother Dan tells me that they were called by several neighbors upset. Something about too many Roman Candles or something. Anyway...
I recall my Dad (who would ever think of him as this rebellious?) telling me later how very upset he was that he now "had a record." Totally unable to understand the context, I kept asking - eventually begging, alas to no avail - if we could all listen to it. I simply could not get past it. I desperately wanted to hear Dad's record. It still makes me laugh. I guess I've always been wired this way....
One 4th when I was around Tanner or Gray's age, my Dad was putting on his fireworks show for the neighborhood when the police showed up. My brother Dan tells me that they were called by several neighbors upset. Something about too many Roman Candles or something. Anyway...
I recall my Dad (who would ever think of him as this rebellious?) telling me later how very upset he was that he now "had a record." Totally unable to understand the context, I kept asking - eventually begging, alas to no avail - if we could all listen to it. I simply could not get past it. I desperately wanted to hear Dad's record. It still makes me laugh. I guess I've always been wired this way....
Monday, July 1, 2013
Dad
What I tell you now may be self-indulgent but it is not self-loathing. It is about not just how great Dad is, but how good he is. My father is the kindest person I have ever encountered.
When I was in my early 20s I broke my father's heart. I cannot say for sure that I did not set out to hurt him with the life choices I very consciously made; but I do know that as deep and lasting as that hurt was, as I slowly and finally emerged from that dark place within myself - a long process, even now, I am still working everyday to complete - Dad waited, patiently, for me. Even early on when Mom passed, and I was so selfishly consumed with my own sense of grief, Dad held me close, though I did not deserve it. Especially then.
I was in fact so arrogant and lost within myself that even as he was being so kind as to have me play a recording of some music that was conceived about Mom, I was not satisfied with that, and horribly – selfishly - demanded even more from him. And so he allowed me to sit next to him during her funeral and talk him through each detail as music played, that, for me, has always worked as a kind of soundtrack for her last moments. It would be years before I could even recognize, much less begin to appreciate, the kindness he showed me. But Dad, still, waited for me.
Imagine suffering the greatest blow you can conceive of - the loss of the love of your life – your soul-mate - only to be made to relive that loss, in stark detail, within days of that unbearably raw wound, at the hands of our own child. A child who would not see the gift - just one in an endlessly long line of gifts - he was receiving. Still, Dad waited for me.
Sometimes I wonder if I was so lost within myself that fate was forced to step in to shake me back to life, but it wasn’t until Mom got sick that I finally responded. I once told Dad of this theory and he quickly dismissed it, but I have every reason to believe that his denial was just another example of his kindness to me. Yet one more in a string of similar kindnesses from a father who somehow saw past his son’s fear. His son’s guilt.
And so Dad waited. And over time my relationship with him changed. And we grew close. He would attribute it to Mom’s influence, but it was him. His kindness. His willingness to wait.
There is a lot he does not understand about me. But for whatever about me he can or cannot understand, if only for the sake of my own soul-mate and our children, he waited for me.
In a very real way Dad’s absence has created a hole in my life’s musical line. A space that no note can fill; but I have learned that the notes alone are not so special. It’s the space between them that gives them true life – true resonance.
While his note may have been released, to once again be tied to Mom’s, and their first child, it will never stop resonating. Through me. Through my brothers. Through our own children. Our families. Our friends. If we listen deeply, they will forever resonate.
Dad is stubborn but not arrogant. Dad is proud but not prideful. He lives his life through his family. Even to the point of driving everyone around him a good bit nuts. I've never known him to demand credit for anything. Rather, he wants to brag about his children and grandchildren and demand they get credit. Many times this is endearing, but others it can be, in truth, infuriating.
I have always struggled with my place in my family. This speaks entirely about me and not my brothers, though over the years it has been easier for me to project it on to them rather than honestly confront it. But the day I married Michele Dad once again proved just how kind he was to me. Sitting together in his hotel room in Arizona that evening after a family dinner, just the two of us, as the June temperature fell to a soothing 105 degrees or so, I spoke frankly with Dad about this. As I finished my all too typical rambling comments he turned to me, hugged me and simply said, “Richard, you know it’s ok just to be you.” And that is his way.
It is his way of reinforcing the one thing that I have learned means more in the end than anything else. Even now, as flawed as I still am, as many mistakes as I still make, as much as I still take those closest to me for granted, there is this one truth I learned from Dad: unconditional love is the only thing that matters.
Dad waited for me. Even at the end he waited. As I flew across the country one last time – he waited. He could not speak when I was finally able to look into his eyes; and even then I did not fully appreciate it all, but I saw so much there. He was calm. He was present. He was scared. He was kind. And he waited for me one last time so that I can forever say, without any hesitation or uncertainly, that he knows I love him, and I know he loves me.
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